Ashes

Hell's perpetual fires

Burning up my frenzied desires

I'm gurgling up a rebellion

Can you feel it frothing?

You sure have claws

That scratched my skin raw

The blood is everywhere

Do you see it spilling?

I barely recognised your voice 

Cold and harsh like beaten up ice

My ephemeral lovesong was meant to be sung

Can you hear it dying?

Just one more knot

Tied up your body to the cot

I'm pouring the fuel around

Don't you smell it burning?

Goodbye my sweet love

Endure what you deserve

I've been waiting to burn you to ashes

Did you see this coming?

Pain

All this pain

All this is painful

Your words are painful

Your memories are painful

The people are painful

Everything hurts

Everything burns

Your words etched on my heart

It burns so much like its fire

Like the smoke is suffocating me

And the fire is engulfing me

I can't breathe

Its so hard to keep talking

My throat is dry and 

And i want this all to end

Will it ever end?

Gone

Never ever am I gonna forget

The ghosts of the past that trouble me so

You told me we were a team

You told me we were together

It was all a lie

A pityful sight wasn't I?

You carried my hopes 

And put a sheet on them

I thought im being comforted

Until you put the sheet on fire

I was burning in agony of your painful words

How easy was it to bait me

I cried, my sobs died inside

I was awake all night

And you snored like a pig

I wasn't myself i kept thinking I'm worthless

So easy for you to refute my existence 

You disapprove my decisions 

My actions my imperfections 

You don't like my attitude 

But its not my own

Its your reflection 

I'm done. I'm done obeying

I'm done waiting im done hoping

You are gone. You are here but gone

I want none of you anymore

I'll be gone soon too

Gone. For good. 

Moments when you wanted to end your life but you couldn't

There were a number of times in my life when i just wanted to end it all, just stop breathing so I don't have to face all the hardships of life. But how many of you actually tried and failed? Well here are five the times i failed-

1. When I didn't cut my wrist deep enough-

I was 12 and i was a headstrong girl. I actually tried to cut my wrist with a 'pencil sharpener' blade. And obviously, it barely touched my nerve but shed a lot of blood anyways.  😑

2. When I wanna hang myself but fear that the fan might come off instead-

I'm also overweight. I'm almost a 100 kgs and hanging just ain't the suicide stunt i can pull. I'm afraid if i even try I'd either break the rope and fall on the floor or even worse, the fan would come right out of the ceiling. 😳

3. When I thought I could jump off a building but I'm scared of heights- 

Another irony of my life. I'm scared of heights. Out of all the things in life. And everytime i think about the options i have to end my life, this one is striked off right away. 

4. I actually think about meeting with an accident deliberately but then change my mind. 

I have thought of this numerous times. Everytime i saw a truck coming from the side i wanted to jump right infront of it or go and dash my bike with a bus or something but then i look at the size of the bus and i just change my mind. Better luck next time 😅

5. When I wanted to hire gangsters but I'm broke-

And that despairing moment when I thought it'd be smart to hire gangsters for my own murder but then I realise I'm   so poor that they'll rather kill me for making a fool out of them(oh well that should work too then). 

Well, despite of all the times i wanted to die, I'm still here, alive and kicking. 

If there's any story you wanna share about your suicide trials lemme know in the comments below. Ciao

Silence

Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. 

I can't think of anything else

Stop talking. Stop laughing. 

I cannot bear the noise.

Silence. Stop talking. 

The murmur is disturbing. 

Your voices are disturbing 

Your tales are disturbing 

I hate them.  I hate you

I hate everything. 

I have difficulty breathing

It hurts to breathe

My throat hurts. 

I suppressed my sobs. 

My chest hurts. 

I skipped a beat. 

Its all aches. 

It aches to exist. 

I don't want to exist. 

My friend with benefits. Of books.

So this particular blog is dedicated to an equally crazy and amazing book nerd friend of mine - Musabses!

This guy and I met at comic con in 2014 when I was cosplaying a gender bended version of Nico DiAngelo from Percy Jackson and he was the ONLY person who knew which fandom I'm from!! (Can you believe that?) I instantly knew that the friend I have been looking for all my life who has equal nerdgasms and fangirling capacities as me(or even more) is standing right infront of me and dressed as one of my most favourite characters - Mad Hatter! Now that's called destiny. 

Now why suddenly a whole blog dedicated to him? Well because today I said something which was apparently "the best thing someone has ever said to him" and guess what was it?

*drums rolls*

Me:- You are like a library to me 😂

Now obviously, if you say this to a random friend they might just react like "urmm, okayy, whatever". But this crazy person actually felt its the best ever thing said to him!!

Why did i say that? Because, he's my friend with benefits, of books and comics.  If he buys a book, its the same as me buying a book. I can borrow his books anytime and I still haven't returned them xD

I'm so glad i have him as a friend. 

Live long and prosper, Precious! 🖖🏽

You're a Woman? So What?

     Female foeticide, murdering of women for dowry, sexual harassment of women in work places, rapes, etc. Yes these are all clichéd terms and everyone knows its still happening and it will keep happening and no one does anything about it. You see bright futures for your sons and look for good grooms for your daughters. Why? Why don't daughters get to have a bright future on their own? Why do they have to learn to cook and do household stuff just to get married? Get out of this small box of stereotypical habits and ponder upon what I am going to say next.

    I am Sohini Mukherjee, a normal girl from a mediocre Indian family. All my life I was told that I have to be careful on the streets and everywhere because I am a girl. I still have curfews and I still have to call my parents every time I go out of the house. "Girls are not safe in India" they say. "We need to be careful" they say. We can't travel alone, we have to use apps like WithU while coming back from work late at night. Why? Why so much fear? What are we afraid of? Snatchers? Rapists? Then why aren't men scared of the same? Even men get mugged or assaulted. I have never seen men walking in groups because they might be harassed by some street thugs. Then why do women have to be so afraid? Why are they so vulnerable? Because they were raised as so. Ever since we started to understand words we were taught to fear our predators instead of learning how to fight them. We were told to return home before 6 but not to carry a sharp object at hand whenever you are out. We were raised to be vulnerable. And it's high time we change that.


   Why this sudden thought?
Because, when today I was watching a daily soap, which showed a bunch of girls kidnapped by few anti-social people, I realized that instead of cowering in fear these girls(there were about 20 or more) could have all tackled these 3-4 kidnappers with ease. If only, they were taught how to fight, if they were taught how to defend themselves instead of fearing others. It was a pathetic scene. Those girls kept weeping and whining but none of them pestered up the courage to fight the kidnappers. If this continues then soon whole of Indian teenage girls will be illegally transported to foreign countries as slaves and prostitutes.

   If you want a bright future for your daughter, teach her to defend herself. Make her self-dependent and tell her that she has nothing to be afraid of. Instead of being scared because she is a woman and helpless, teach her to be bold and authoritative. Women have been proved as better leaders and lawmakers. I'm not suggesting a world taken over by women. I'm just asking for a chance to be given to your daughters so they don't end up having unhappy lives where they can't even fight for their own rights.

    This is my message to all the parents of daughters out there. Read this carefully. Don't tell your daughters to be away from boys or men. Don't tell them they should be scared of strangers. Teach them how to fight instead. Teach them that they have equal strength and skill to tackle another human being and they have no reason to fear anything. Ask them to carry sharp knives or pepper spray(yeah many do but how many remember to use it?) Teach them to use those sharp knives when in danger. Teach them martial arts like Judo and Karate since young so that when they grow up they can defend themselves. Encourage them to take up physical activities and don't tell them they don't need to because they're gonna get married soon. If you want your daughter to be safe, teach her to be her own bodyguard.

   The Indian constitution has several rights for women education. I don't see any being exercised. Despite the increase in literacy rate, women in the secluded sectors of India haven't seen dawn yet. In fact, there are still many villages which have no literacy for women at all. Why can't all the women get equal education and learn physical skills and self-defense?

   If you read my pathetic post till this sentence, I request you to please share this post around. It might not be much, but this is all I have. Media is my only way of communicating with masses and I want my message to reach all the parents out there. I'm a daughter too and I know how much you love your daughters and worry for them. But if you truly care for us let us defend ourselves. Teach us to not be scared and I'm sure you'll be proud of us.