My mental agony

When sweet pleasure turns to pain

And desires turn to nightmares

When every single piece of me

Wants to be free from care

How often do you realise

That something that you wanted yesterday 

Is not what you need today?

I've felt the quagmire of emotions

I've dealt with the ramifications of my fantasies

Now all I want is to be exonerated from this situation 

Is it too much that I ask for?

Why no one is happy with what they get

All those people with cancer are crying and praying to survive because they are young and haven't lived enough and aren't ready to die yet. 

And all those depressed people who have suffered so much at such a young age that they wish they had cancer so that their suffering could end in some way.  

I feel pity for both. 

Within a gilded frame

Eyes of the weary old woman

Stared at me once again

Her stories etched in my mind

From long ago. 

Her temple full of freckles

And her chin sagging

She was the epitome of hardwork. 

I'm not sure how I resemble her

Though people keep saying it

There's nothing similar between us

Except we both bear a long round nose. 

I hardly ever notice 

How much her skin looks rotten

Or how watery her eyes look

She was suffering 

She knew it was the end

That soon enough she'll end up

Within a gilded frame. 

Begone oh Promiscuous

Oh promiscuous, your ambiguity has baffled me 

The thunderous cacophony of your dreams

Has awoken me and rendered my nights sleepless

For you have to conquer the battle you started yourself

No, do not try to fathom my life into your promiscuity

I shall neither be thy prey, nor your mistress 

You have played enough games

And won each and every one of them

Why, oh why do you have to then

Play with my holiness and pious generosity?

I forbid you to behold me with thine eyes

Monstrous creature you, now begone!

A letter to my mother

Dear mom,

Remember when i was little

I told you i wanna be just like you

Daddy smiled at my words

And you enjoyed it too

I have grown up now mom

And I know I have let you down

Not once but a hundred times

But you never gave up on me

We had fights, i cried all night

I made you cry too, but you still fed me

Everytime you had faith in me

And everytime you encouraged me

All those times I missed your presence 

When I was about to perform on stage

I have realised how much you have done for me

I have realised how much you have given up for me

I have been mean, I have been heartless 

But you have always forgiven me

And all my mistakes

And all those nights when i cried in sickness

You stayed up and look after me

And all those days you were bedridden 

I made sure I took care of you

Just the way you did

I hope I am your reflection mom

I hope I am like you

Bless me, and love me

Just like you do

Forever, because I love you. 

Castle On A Hill

I saw a magnificent castle on a hill

Its towers up high piercing the clouds 

Conical roofs with slight golden shimmer

Brilliantly covered with a sunny shroud

But the walls looked old and tarnished

And the big metal portcullis was rusted

The moat was definitely all dried up

And the ditch was grime-crusted 

I wonder if anyone lives up there

If there is a princess on one of the towers

I'd like to be her knight and rescue her

If only I could climb above that flimsy bower

But this castle looked way too old

And abandoned as it lost its glory

My fairytales had a different picture

They did not look this profane in the stories

Instead it looks like one of those castles

They show in horror movies and cartoons

With a thundery night, full moon and a wolf howling

Housing a big frightening buffoon

Yes, that must be it

Its nothing but a scary old mansion

I'm glad I didn't linger there long

So much for a monumental attraction. 

My virtue is my duty

With the morning begins my day

Different roles I'm ready to play

Again and again I am perturbed 

But nature and emotions are undisturbed

Silently, without a word, all needs I suffice

Day to night, unsaid unconditional sacrifice

What do I gain from all these duties?

Deteriorating my health and my fugacious beauty

Still, I don't pretend, I take my job seriously 

A homemaker and a mother, working audaciously 

If I don't follow my virtue as my duty

Who else do you think will prove their loyalty?

I bespeak to let me go

I bespeak to let me go

On my quest to find my destiny

Subsist my own enduring 

Where my true self wants to live

You and before you

Words were said and deeds were done

None to stop none to object

Why am I your guilty subject?

Your natural tendency

Is to devour my identity 

So fragile, so docile

You know I'll never speak

I'm looking out for the silver lining

I can see the stallion among the clouds

You just need to let me go while I'm still young

Trust me I can do it alone

Its now or never

The autumn has begun

Before the spring comes

I want to be home in all my flourish

I beg your fidelity 

Let me prove myself

Taint will not be your glory

I promise you father. 

I can't stop thinking about death

Pessimistic thoughts 

Wind me and unwind me

A way out of this abyss

Is all I seek

Calamity strikes me

Or monstrosity consumes me

I don't care what misery

I just want to stop breathing

Ropes lying around

Blades lost and found

All I see are means to end me

Nothing else makes sense now

I don't have the courage

But still all I want is this to end. 

Ghost of the Past

A phantom chased me 

In the dark blue midnight;

My leg caught on the silk gown,

And I tumbled down the road. 

When the phantom got closer,

I could not see his face. 

Veiled in black he was;

But he called out my name

With such intensity,

That I knew at once, who 

The voice belonged to. 

I got back up and ran

Towards the mansion on the high hill;

The phantom stopped chasing me,

I thought I lost him.

I opened the cobwebbed doors;

They creaked and groaned in defiance. 

"Who's the intruder?"

Yelled someone from upstairs. 

"I'm lost and scared"

Replied I. 

There was nowhere to go,

So I spent the night on the floor;

I wasn't offered any food or drink,

Nor did I ever see the face of the owner. 

When the clock striked midnight,

I heard the doors groan again;

A single flame was approaching me,

I trembled and asked "Who is it?"

The face got closer to the flickering light

And there was my dead lover

"I've come to take you My Love";

Now the ghosts will be heard from the overhead mansion. 

When the time is right

When the time is right

I'll tell you all my secrets

You'll know who I really am

There will be no regrets

I'll tell you all my secrets

I'll tell you my history

There will be no regrets

I'll no longer be a mystery 

I'll tell you my history

And maybe a little biology  

I'll no longer be a mystery 

You'll understand my psychology 

And maybe, a little biology 

You'll know. Who I really am

You'll understand and my psychology 

When the time is right

Emotionless.

I'm not pretty. I need makeup to look good. 

I'm barely a good artist, seeing good artists makes me feel ashamed of myself. 

I'm insecure. I feel I'm good at nothing. 

I constantly fear failure and i do constantly meet failure. 

But I wasn't always like this. 

I was known for my confidence and versatility. I was inspiration to my juniors and me seniors were proud of me. 

I was a good leader, and a good disciple too. 

Now I'm just a waste of time and energy. I don't want to blame anyone for this. I've become someone i never wanted to and i am ashamed of myself but it's not anybody else's fault. I have done this to me. I'm always annoyed and irritated. I don't like people anymore and I don't feel like talking to anybody at all. I don't like my parents either. Even their voices and their existence annoys me. I do dream of my nephew some times but he just seems like a distant memory now. I don't talk to him when he comes on skype. The poor kid loves me, i can see it but I can't just give anything back. I do want to show emotions but they just don't come out. I have become almost emotionless.

Oh what have i done to me? 

Splinters

Shards of hard words in my soul

Are piercing in me a big black hole

I'm bleeding out the chemicals

Digging deep through the ground

I've been trying too hard to make a mark

The shore was washed away again

I think I'm losing all my patience now

I've given all my best somehow

But I can't carry on now, Not anymore 

The epiphany has striked me

And the longanimity has departed me

I'm no longer a part of this conundrum

No wonder the placebo didn't work

I was aware I was being tricked

Jokes on you I'm done listening 

The splinter's hurting

And I'm running out of sanity

Let me rest now

 

Ashes

Hell's perpetual fires

Burning up my frenzied desires

I'm gurgling up a rebellion

Can you feel it frothing?

You sure have claws

That scratched my skin raw

The blood is everywhere

Do you see it spilling?

I barely recognised your voice 

Cold and harsh like beaten up ice

My ephemeral lovesong was meant to be sung

Can you hear it dying?

Just one more knot

Tied up your body to the cot

I'm pouring the fuel around

Don't you smell it burning?

Goodbye my sweet love

Endure what you deserve

I've been waiting to burn you to ashes

Did you see this coming?

Pain

All this pain

All this is painful

Your words are painful

Your memories are painful

The people are painful

Everything hurts

Everything burns

Your words etched on my heart

It burns so much like its fire

Like the smoke is suffocating me

And the fire is engulfing me

I can't breathe

Its so hard to keep talking

My throat is dry and 

And i want this all to end

Will it ever end?

Gone

Never ever am I gonna forget

The ghosts of the past that trouble me so

You told me we were a team

You told me we were together

It was all a lie

A pityful sight wasn't I?

You carried my hopes 

And put a sheet on them

I thought im being comforted

Until you put the sheet on fire

I was burning in agony of your painful words

How easy was it to bait me

I cried, my sobs died inside

I was awake all night

And you snored like a pig

I wasn't myself i kept thinking I'm worthless

So easy for you to refute my existence 

You disapprove my decisions 

My actions my imperfections 

You don't like my attitude 

But its not my own

Its your reflection 

I'm done. I'm done obeying

I'm done waiting im done hoping

You are gone. You are here but gone

I want none of you anymore

I'll be gone soon too

Gone. For good. 

Moments when you wanted to end your life but you couldn't

There were a number of times in my life when i just wanted to end it all, just stop breathing so I don't have to face all the hardships of life. But how many of you actually tried and failed? Well here are five the times i failed-

1. When I didn't cut my wrist deep enough-

I was 12 and i was a headstrong girl. I actually tried to cut my wrist with a 'pencil sharpener' blade. And obviously, it barely touched my nerve but shed a lot of blood anyways.  😑

2. When I wanna hang myself but fear that the fan might come off instead-

I'm also overweight. I'm almost a 100 kgs and hanging just ain't the suicide stunt i can pull. I'm afraid if i even try I'd either break the rope and fall on the floor or even worse, the fan would come right out of the ceiling. 😳

3. When I thought I could jump off a building but I'm scared of heights- 

Another irony of my life. I'm scared of heights. Out of all the things in life. And everytime i think about the options i have to end my life, this one is striked off right away. 

4. I actually think about meeting with an accident deliberately but then change my mind. 

I have thought of this numerous times. Everytime i saw a truck coming from the side i wanted to jump right infront of it or go and dash my bike with a bus or something but then i look at the size of the bus and i just change my mind. Better luck next time 😅

5. When I wanted to hire gangsters but I'm broke-

And that despairing moment when I thought it'd be smart to hire gangsters for my own murder but then I realise I'm   so poor that they'll rather kill me for making a fool out of them(oh well that should work too then). 

Well, despite of all the times i wanted to die, I'm still here, alive and kicking. 

If there's any story you wanna share about your suicide trials lemme know in the comments below. Ciao

Silence

Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. 

I can't think of anything else

Stop talking. Stop laughing. 

I cannot bear the noise.

Silence. Stop talking. 

The murmur is disturbing. 

Your voices are disturbing 

Your tales are disturbing 

I hate them.  I hate you

I hate everything. 

I have difficulty breathing

It hurts to breathe

My throat hurts. 

I suppressed my sobs. 

My chest hurts. 

I skipped a beat. 

Its all aches. 

It aches to exist. 

I don't want to exist. 

My friend with benefits. Of books.

So this particular blog is dedicated to an equally crazy and amazing book nerd friend of mine - Musabses!

This guy and I met at comic con in 2014 when I was cosplaying a gender bended version of Nico DiAngelo from Percy Jackson and he was the ONLY person who knew which fandom I'm from!! (Can you believe that?) I instantly knew that the friend I have been looking for all my life who has equal nerdgasms and fangirling capacities as me(or even more) is standing right infront of me and dressed as one of my most favourite characters - Mad Hatter! Now that's called destiny. 

Now why suddenly a whole blog dedicated to him? Well because today I said something which was apparently "the best thing someone has ever said to him" and guess what was it?

*drums rolls*

Me:- You are like a library to me 😂

Now obviously, if you say this to a random friend they might just react like "urmm, okayy, whatever". But this crazy person actually felt its the best ever thing said to him!!

Why did i say that? Because, he's my friend with benefits, of books and comics.  If he buys a book, its the same as me buying a book. I can borrow his books anytime and I still haven't returned them xD

I'm so glad i have him as a friend. 

Live long and prosper, Precious! 🖖🏽

You're a Woman? So What?

     Female foeticide, murdering of women for dowry, sexual harassment of women in work places, rapes, etc. Yes these are all clichéd terms and everyone knows its still happening and it will keep happening and no one does anything about it. You see bright futures for your sons and look for good grooms for your daughters. Why? Why don't daughters get to have a bright future on their own? Why do they have to learn to cook and do household stuff just to get married? Get out of this small box of stereotypical habits and ponder upon what I am going to say next.

    I am Sohini Mukherjee, a normal girl from a mediocre Indian family. All my life I was told that I have to be careful on the streets and everywhere because I am a girl. I still have curfews and I still have to call my parents every time I go out of the house. "Girls are not safe in India" they say. "We need to be careful" they say. We can't travel alone, we have to use apps like WithU while coming back from work late at night. Why? Why so much fear? What are we afraid of? Snatchers? Rapists? Then why aren't men scared of the same? Even men get mugged or assaulted. I have never seen men walking in groups because they might be harassed by some street thugs. Then why do women have to be so afraid? Why are they so vulnerable? Because they were raised as so. Ever since we started to understand words we were taught to fear our predators instead of learning how to fight them. We were told to return home before 6 but not to carry a sharp object at hand whenever you are out. We were raised to be vulnerable. And it's high time we change that.


   Why this sudden thought?
Because, when today I was watching a daily soap, which showed a bunch of girls kidnapped by few anti-social people, I realized that instead of cowering in fear these girls(there were about 20 or more) could have all tackled these 3-4 kidnappers with ease. If only, they were taught how to fight, if they were taught how to defend themselves instead of fearing others. It was a pathetic scene. Those girls kept weeping and whining but none of them pestered up the courage to fight the kidnappers. If this continues then soon whole of Indian teenage girls will be illegally transported to foreign countries as slaves and prostitutes.

   If you want a bright future for your daughter, teach her to defend herself. Make her self-dependent and tell her that she has nothing to be afraid of. Instead of being scared because she is a woman and helpless, teach her to be bold and authoritative. Women have been proved as better leaders and lawmakers. I'm not suggesting a world taken over by women. I'm just asking for a chance to be given to your daughters so they don't end up having unhappy lives where they can't even fight for their own rights.

    This is my message to all the parents of daughters out there. Read this carefully. Don't tell your daughters to be away from boys or men. Don't tell them they should be scared of strangers. Teach them how to fight instead. Teach them that they have equal strength and skill to tackle another human being and they have no reason to fear anything. Ask them to carry sharp knives or pepper spray(yeah many do but how many remember to use it?) Teach them to use those sharp knives when in danger. Teach them martial arts like Judo and Karate since young so that when they grow up they can defend themselves. Encourage them to take up physical activities and don't tell them they don't need to because they're gonna get married soon. If you want your daughter to be safe, teach her to be her own bodyguard.

   The Indian constitution has several rights for women education. I don't see any being exercised. Despite the increase in literacy rate, women in the secluded sectors of India haven't seen dawn yet. In fact, there are still many villages which have no literacy for women at all. Why can't all the women get equal education and learn physical skills and self-defense?

   If you read my pathetic post till this sentence, I request you to please share this post around. It might not be much, but this is all I have. Media is my only way of communicating with masses and I want my message to reach all the parents out there. I'm a daughter too and I know how much you love your daughters and worry for them. But if you truly care for us let us defend ourselves. Teach us to not be scared and I'm sure you'll be proud of us.